Good grief

Tomorrow I start working again.

On 19 December 2008 I left work to go on leave.  I never went back.  And now, 3 and a half years later, I am leaving my kids at home to rejoin the work force.

I couldn’t put my finger on why I was so deeply depressed the last month.  Not obviously depressed, so that others will notice.  But deep inside.  There were I stored all my feelings when we were in and out of hospital and I had to keep my mask on.  A deep, pit of the stomach grief.

Then Magdel, the mother of one of Woutertjie’s class mates, cast some light.  After giving up everything that I thought mattered – a career, financial security, friendships – to take care of the only thing that really matters, my family, I am now stepping back.  I have to wrap everything that happened the last 3 years into a neat package, leave my children in other people’s care and get on with “normal” life.  I have to let go of my children and trust them to make it without me.

If Woutertjie didn’t get sick I wouldn’t have stopped working at all and my children would’ve gotten by fine without having me around so much.  Most kids live their lives like that.

I never thought I would be a stay at home mom.  I never thought I would enjoy it.  I used to say that going to work makes me a better parent, allowing me to be more patient with my children.  I was full of shit.

Spending days and days with my children showed me who they really are.  Yes, some days they drive me up the wall.  But those days are all worth it when I pick them up from school and I am the first person to hear their stories.  From Woutertjie telling me that he called on Carien to sort out the bullies to Carien telling me proudly that they played family-family and she was the baby.  I was the first to hear about it.

I know that I have to get back to work.  From tomorrow we will have a stable income again.  Something we haven’t had in 18 months.  We will definitely have medical aid, not sometimes be suspended for lack of payment.  Things won’t be 100% but it will be a start.

The first time I had to write “house wife” as occupation I grieved for my past life and everything I had to give up.

Tomorrow I will be employed again.

And I am grieving for everything I have to give up.

This time it is worse.

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3 Responses

  1. Sorry Suzanne 😦 but good luck for your new job 😦

  2. Hope this new stage in your and your family’s job really goes well.

  3. oops! I meant Life and all that jazz! 🙂

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