23 December 2011

Two days before Christmas.  Three years since Woutertjie was admitted to hospital the first time.  I’ve been having a very tough day.  I don’t really know why.  It is just another day.  For a while I’ve been feeling like an oncology fraud.  We’ve walked the walk, yes, but we are past all of that now, aren’t we?  And then a day like today happens and I’m more brittle than a fresh Flake.

I don’t have much to say so I’m going to go to bed now.  Tomorrow it will be three years since diagnosis.  I hope it will be a better day than today.  Strangely, last year didn’t hit me as hard.  Time is supposed to heal.  Go figure.

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Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Anyone care to guess where Carien is from?

It is purely grace that is it now school holidays here.  I just could not cope with one more week of rushing to school and back.

Last week I was trying to hurry the kids up, trying to get into the car on time to make it to school on time.  We live quite a way from the kids’ school and if we run late we turn up at school very late.  So there I was, off to get dressed after packing the kids’ lunchboxes and making their cooldrinks.  The rule is that I make everything, but that they have to pack it into their bags themselves and carry the bags to the car.  They have to do something.

Carien, meanwhile, was changing into her 14th set of clothes, adding jewelry, hair accessories, changing shoes, adding blue eye shadow and finishing the whole look with a ballet skirt.

And the time was ticking and tocking by.

Rushing by in the other direction I saw Carien still hadn’t packed her stuff.

Me:  Carien!  Pak jou kosblik!  Pak jou koeldrank!  Move, move, move!

Carien:  (teenager cheeky voice)  Ja, ja, raak net rustig!

I’m not sure where we got her from.  When your 4 year old stands with her back to you, hands on her hips, mumbling, before she starts stuffing her things into her bag while mumbling some more, you start believing that the teenage years are going to be a breeze compared to the f….erocious? fours……

It’s been a rough couple of weeks

That typical end-of-the-year rush.  Except that I am sure it is worse this year.  Like I am sure it is worse every year.  But this year it is worse that ever.  I am sure!

I am a SAHM.  A stay at home mom.  But most days I leave the house at 07:30 to take the kids to school and return at 18:00 to pick them up at my mom’s house.  I don’t know what I would’ve done if my mom wasn’t around to do help with taxi duties.  And I can honestly say that I don’t spend my days wasting time.  I am busier than I’ve ever been when I was doing a real job.  My mom of all people came to my defense the other day, reminding me that I’m not a real SAHM, since I do some part-time work as well and some community work on the side.  And my mom is a hard taskmaster.  If she feels that I deserve some leniency I think I should start cutting myself some slack.  Easier said than done though.  I’m not very forgiving towards myself.

It is one of those weird things about myself that I am quite aware of.  I am utterly forgiving of others.  I empathise with their problems.  I expect that other people will have days that they feel down and will want a shoulder (mine) to lean on.  And I am ready to provide that shoulder free of charge, with no strings attached and with confidentiality guaranteed.

At the same time I expect the exact opposite of myself.  I need to be self-contained at all times.  If I do crack up, I do it on my own, rebuild the fortress and then rejoin the world.  There are some people who have the unwelcome knack of knowing when my defenses are down.  Deirdre being one of them.  When she suspects that something is up, it usually is. Deirdre is cool like that.

Back to the point.  Now to tackle the last few weeks of this year.  Wish me luck.  December is promising to be a challenging month.