And counting

I am making this all about me.

My dad is in ICU with heart failure but right now all I care about is me.  And I don’t even feel that bad about it.  I haven’t been this unstable since I was 6 months pregnant with Carien and one day started crying uncontrollably about everything.  That got cleared up with anti-depressants.  Did you know that you could get post-natal depression when you are still pre-natal?  Well, you can. 

This time I am already on anti-depressants and I’m very shaky.  I went to the hospital twice today to take things for my mom who is there with my dad.  Both times my breath seized up as soon as I set foot on the premises.  Walking in through the door I see the admissions desk where we filled in the first of so many admissions forms.  It is a very long walk to ICU, and it is the same way as to the paediatric ward where we got the News.  All the way I can see the pictures that are painted on the doors of the paeds ward.  And all the way I struggle to breathe.  Leaving isn’t better.   I see the desk where we signed out, completely dazed.  I walk to the car and relive driving home on Christmas Eve, scared out of my skull.

Basically I haven’t had a decent breath for more than a day now.  30 hours to be exact.  My heart is beating in my throat all the time.  I start crying at nothing.  This is not me.  And all about a bloody building.  It just doesn’t compute.

Carien is turning 3 tomorrow.  She is so excited.  If she knew how nearly she didn’t get any presents because her mom freaked out and couldn’t cope with the idea of shopping…..  Oy.  But Wouter has extraordinary senses when he needs it.  He got home early and the lot of us hit the shops to I could get her something.

Now to wrap it.  Off I go.


7 Responses

  1. Hugs Suzanne – emotions can only be suppressed for so long before the dam bursts. You have been incredibly strong for so long now, maybe you need to try make a me day where you can just relax your guard and let some of those tears flow before you have to suck it up an carry on again. I know easier said than done but this is a sign that you need to give yourself the space to be sad before the sadness overwhelms you.

  2. Just a hug today! And a Happy Birthday for Carien.

  3. Happy Birthday Carien’tjie! xx
    Close your eyes, block it all out for a bit and just breathe. A bit of meditation right now might actually be the trick. 😦

    I hope your pappa is okay! xx

  4. Happy Birthday Carien hope you have a lovely day!
    Hope your dad gets better, lots of prayers for you all
    God Bless Samm Mark Deqlan Logan

  5. BIG ((HUGS))!!!

    Happy 3rd birthday Carien….

  6. Baie geluk Carien! Hoop dis ‘n pragtige jaar vir jou.

    Suzanne, het jou anti-depressant ‘n anti-angstigheids komponent? as nie, kry dit so gou moontlik. Hierdie gaan verder as net depressie. Sorg dat jy ‘n kalmeermiddel inkry.

    En baie sterkte vir jou Pa en julle familie

  7. Come drink tea and cry, scream, drop kids off have time to yourself, whatever you need I am around the corner and happy to help.
    Be gentle with yourself you have held it together for a long time. (((hugs)))

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