And counting

I am making this all about me.

My dad is in ICU with heart failure but right now all I care about is me.  And I don’t even feel that bad about it.  I haven’t been this unstable since I was 6 months pregnant with Carien and one day started crying uncontrollably about everything.  That got cleared up with anti-depressants.  Did you know that you could get post-natal depression when you are still pre-natal?  Well, you can. 

This time I am already on anti-depressants and I’m very shaky.  I went to the hospital twice today to take things for my mom who is there with my dad.  Both times my breath seized up as soon as I set foot on the premises.  Walking in through the door I see the admissions desk where we filled in the first of so many admissions forms.  It is a very long walk to ICU, and it is the same way as to the paediatric ward where we got the News.  All the way I can see the pictures that are painted on the doors of the paeds ward.  And all the way I struggle to breathe.  Leaving isn’t better.   I see the desk where we signed out, completely dazed.  I walk to the car and relive driving home on Christmas Eve, scared out of my skull.

Basically I haven’t had a decent breath for more than a day now.  30 hours to be exact.  My heart is beating in my throat all the time.  I start crying at nothing.  This is not me.  And all about a bloody building.  It just doesn’t compute.

Carien is turning 3 tomorrow.  She is so excited.  If she knew how nearly she didn’t get any presents because her mom freaked out and couldn’t cope with the idea of shopping…..  Oy.  But Wouter has extraordinary senses when he needs it.  He got home early and the lot of us hit the shops to I could get her something.

Now to wrap it.  Off I go.