Day 3

Yes, it is now the 3rd day of fever.  Boeta’s fever is lower today though.  If it lasts until tomorrow we are off to Gerrit (paed) to find out where the fever comes from.  My cousin Lizbé is a nursing sister at Durbanville MediClinic.  She says that they are seeing lots of cases of unexplained fever.  So hereby I declare that Boeta has a viral infection and that he will be better soon.

I have spoken.

Using my mommy-voice.

This is the way it is going to be.

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Fever

It feels like a flashback, writing the heading.  Once again, Woutertjie has fever.  It started last night with a 38.5 degree temperature.  He was just tired and listless and I gave him Panado and he went to bed.  Today he still has fever.  He says yes to any body part that I mention as possibly painful.  Thus he has pain in his foot, his throat, his knee, his tongue and his ears.  And apparently his ribs.  But I don’t know if it is really sore or if  it is just generic body ache.

I know that it is probably nothing.  Cristina gave him a good look on Friday and nothing worried her.  So most probably it is a cold or flu or just some other virus that causes fever.  But try telling that to an oncology parent.

I have such a headache.  And I know it is because of stress.  If it was Carien I would Panado her and cuddle her and wait it out.  But it is Boeta….  I am “feeling” the hospital around me.  Once again I stuffed all the bad feeling into a closet and now it is out to haunt me.  What fun.

The strangest thing is that I know that fevers happen.  And I don’t consider the possibility (not for a second) that this could be anything other than normal disease.  But my adrenal gland doesn’t care.  I am so high on adrenaline it isn’t funny.  I am going to take a deep breath and try to deal with it.  If the fever continues tomorrow we will be of to the doctor.  Not because Boeta is feeling particularly ill.  Just because his mother is a worrying oncomom.

Results

It is 5 months since the end of Boeta’s treatment and he remains in remission.  Thank God!

It was so good to see Cristina after her 2 month absence.  We missed you, Tannie Stina.  She enjoyed Boeta’s English immensely.  I tried to convince him on the way to the hospital that he shouldn’t talk a lot because Cristina and I had things to say to each other.  He informed me tersely that it “wasn’t a good plan” because he had news to tell her.  I still haven’t found out what the news was but the two of them spent some quality time together.

After a thorough abdomen palpitation Cristina declared him healthy.  Next month he will go for an abdominal sonar – it will be 6 months after the end of treatment and his protocol calls for a sonar then.  And we will oblige.

As for me, I am very unstable at the moment.  I have always been good at denial and my way of dealing with knocks is to ignore it until I have the energy to deal with it.  Now I don’t have that luxury.  The children are dealing with my dad’s death and I have to be there for them.  So now I am forced to deal with it.  I’m not ready.  I just don’t have the strength at the moment but for their sake I have to act like I do.  I have to talk to them about Oupa.  I have to help them draw pictures of Oupa.  I have to listen to their stories about Oupa.  I have to be the mommy.

I don’t want to be all grown up and responsible.  I want to cry on my mom’s shoulder.  But I can’t.  Because she is crying on mine and someone has to stay standing. 

So what to do?  I will put on my mask and carry on of course.  It is what I do.

But please, when you see me don’t be nice to me.  I will burst into tears and I don’t want to.  Not now.

Checkup time again

After months and months it is checkup time again tomorrow.  As a matter of fact, it is 3 months since his last checkup by Cristina (oncologist).  He received a once-over by Gerrit (paediatrician) about 6 weeks ago and got the all clear.  Now it is time for Cristina to give her verdict.  She was out of the country since the end of June – that woman’s diary reads like a nightmare.  I suspect she pencils in relaxation time otherwise she doesn’t get any.

Either way, tomorrow we are off to hospital to see Cristina.  I don’t expect anything to be wrong.  Boeta has been growing and eating and gaining weight like a weed.  He is doing very well. 

Carien is also better now.  She had severe ear infection again.  On Monday night she was feverish and barely slept at all.  Tuesday our fabulous GP took a look at her and showed me what a good eardrum (pearly white, almost translucent) and a bad eardrum (bright, blood red) looks like.  Carien’s left ear was perfect, the right a nightmare.  So she got antibiotics and is doing a lot better now.

Both kids are taking my father’s death really hard.  They miss him like crazy.  Both are acting up – Carien is clingy and needy while Boeta is withdrawn and slightly aggressive.  So they are seeing Annelize, the occupational therapist, to work through it.  They are very happy with the idea that Oupa is with Liewe Jesus, but the reality of Ouma being alone in their house doesn’t work for them.  It is going to be a long road.

Happy birthday Ethan

Ethan is 7 today.  Congratulations to Ethan and the whole Taylor family!  We’ll see you this afternoon for his party – the kids are so excited to see “Eeefinn” and the boys.

Update

My dad passed away peacefully last night.  My  mom, sister and sister-in-law were with him.

If you told me on Wednesday when he was admitted with breathing difficulties that we would end up here – there is no way I would’ve believed you.  But here we are.

I’m going to be quiet for a while.  I’m OK.  Mostly.  But life is a bit unpredictable at the moment and I’ll get back to you ASAP.  Promise.

Dad update

Sorry for being this quiet.  My dad is still in ICU.  He has severe heart failure and we’ve been told to expect the worst.  So I don’t particularly feel like talking. 

Thank you so much to everyone who has been helping.  The kids spent the whole day playing at a friend’s after play school so I could spend the time with my parents in hospital.