Rant and rave

What is it with some people?

I wasn’t going to write about this and was on my way to bed already when instead I booted my laptop and now here I am.

I am a staunch supporter of the pharmaceutical industry.  I wouldn’t say I am proud of taking anti-depressants, but I am certainly not ashamed of it.  To be honest, I don’t think about it.  Every evening I pop my pills like many other people take blood pressure / cholesterol / whatever medicine.  It doesn’t cure my problems but it does help me to deal with it.

What got me onto this topic is the way that people assume that, because I go about my things with a smile and a friendly word to strangers, I don’t need ADs.  And maybe I can’t blame them for thinking that I am caught up in the hype of happy pills.  After all, there are very very few people outside of my immediate family who has ever seen me cry.  I don’t do public displays of sadness.  Sadness = vulnerability.  When I leave my house I put on my face *insert motion of putting on a mask* and I laugh and I smile and I chat and I listen and I do everything that is expected of me.  But my face and my heart don’t necessarily show the same thing.  My heart may be breaking but I will do my very best to keep up appearances.  In that way I am the ultimate actress.  The show must go on.

Those same people also seem to think that taking ADs is the easy way out.  That it is an optional extra.  I would like to have those people close when I’m not on ADs.  I have moodswings like you have never seen in your life.  I get angry when we go to visit people because we have to visit them.  I have an uncontrolable urge to laugh when my children hurt themselves.  I want to murder Wouter for asking if I enjoyed my nap.  I don’t like the person I am when I’m like that.  It is such a cliché but seriously, my brain chemicals are out of balance and I need help.  That is just the way I was put together.  I am fabulous in all the other ways that matter but my brain is a bit wonky. 

With all that said, I really wish I could get off ADs.  I have yet to find one that agrees with me 100%.  I’ve tried so many types and every time something goes wrong.  Most of them increase my appetite to unbelievable levels.  I could literally eat the whole day long.  I have to fight the compulsion all the time.  Coupled with a tendency to indulge in emotional eating it is bad news.  Try loosing weight when all you want to do is eat and if you manage not to eat you want to celebrate by eating…  I tried several SSRIs (a type of AD) and they all do this to me.  I tried non-SSRIs that didn’t do the appetite thing but they made me go completely off my head so back to SSRIs it was. 

In the end, it just really gets on my last nerve when people assume they know what goes on in my life based on what they think they know.  I don’t even know what goes on in my life and I am living it.


8 Responses

  1. Suz, dis asof jy gou ‘n stukkie van my geskryf het !! Ek voel presies dieselfde ! Is ook op AD (al vir amper ‘n jaar) en wil met alle mag en mening die goed los, maar ek kan eenvoudig net nie. Dit vat net daai edge weg…

    Weet dat ek BAIE aan jou dink en dat eendag gaan ons weer “onsself” kan wees !

    lekker wekie verder
    Antoinette xxx

  2. Yip, ek sluk ook met ‘n groot smile my feel happy pills, want ek ken die donker gat wat vir my lê en wag as ek dit nie doen nie. Yip, die aptyt is hoër, yip, die emosionele plato waar die pille my sit maak dat ek nie genoeg kan omgee om te WIL minder eet nie. Alles is blah. So wat vat mens. Die vet en die blah? Of die donker gat?

    Soos ek gesê het, mens sluk daai pilletjies met ‘n smile.

  3. Weet jy, dit is gewoonlik net die mense wat geen idee het hoe moeilik depressie kan wees wat baie te se het. My skoonpa vertel altyd vir my dit is net in my kop en as ek regtig wil kan ek dit los. Wel, hy is reg, dit is in my kop…….. hy is soveel nicer as ek dit drink. As ek dit nie drink nie, wel………

  4. Ai jay, people should keep their mouths of things they have no real knowledge of.

  5. I often suspect that I REALLY should be on ADs, but I don’t want to and so I resist it. Possibly stupidly. I guess I want to feel in control and like I can cope alone.

    My sister is on AD and other things and literally needs them to stay stable. She can not function normally without them.


    You are PHENOMENAL. You do know that right. And you are the nicest person to be around. I LOVE spending time with you. Always brightens my day.

  6. Mmm….sulke mense verdien ‘n eersteklas vliegkaartjie warmplek toe – one way!!! My pilletjies maak my extra nice en spesiaal en almal se gaaatttte wat Dink hulle Weet beter!!!!
    Jy is ongelooflik en jou eie reg en ek haal my hoed af vir jou!!!!

  7. Ai, bokka, wat is dit met mense: kan hulle nie begryp dat die situasie waardeur jy en jou familie verlede jaar gegaan het (en die intensitiet daarvan), almal, en ek bedoel almal se persepsie van ok-wees, sal verander nie! Until you have walked in other peoples shoes, you cannot know how a situation really is like!!!
    Ek weet dit is moeilik om volgens die filosofie te leef (veral as jy ‘n actress is wat daarvan hou om almal te laat dink dat jy “ok” is), maar STUFF THEM ALL. Nobody knows how anyone else’s life is! Weet net dat jy die beste en oulikste en fantastieste en geliefste ma en vrou in die wereld is, vir jou familie!

  8. Jy ken my nie, maar ek wil gil: YOU GO GIRL!

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