Joining the dark ages

We are off on vacation early tomorrow morning.  The children are almost too excited to sleep. 

We will be in the middle of nowhere until Tuesday.  On a farm with no electricity and almost no cellphone reception.  So don’t phone me.  I won’t phone you either.



And now it is a week later

A whole week since the last update.  It is strange.  I have so many things to tell you but I just can’t write.  And as you know by now that means something is up with me.  I wish I knew what it was.  It is bugging the living daylights out of me. 

In the last week, in no particular order –

Carien managed to obtain her first black eye *.

Boeta’s artwork looked different from Carien’s for the first time **.

The children have been counting the sleeps until they get to fly ** *.

Wouter got over his age issues – for the next 11 months or so at least ** **.

We had a playdate and the kids got to play superheroes ** ** *.

I realised that I am insanely jealous of my sister who is pregnant ** ** **.

Our first “child”, Frieda the bullmastiff, had to be put to sleep ** ** ** *.


* Last Thursday, on Wouter’s birthday, Carien and the swing at the playschool had a disagreement about their relative positions in the space-time continuum.  Carien lost.  She still sports a beautiful bruise on her right upper eyelid and a graze on her nose.  Typically she didn’t spend a lot of time crying at school – she had different things to do.  But as soon as we were in the car and driving she packed out the tears and went at it like she only just got hurt.  Anyone got an extra Oscar around?

** Until now Boeta’s artwork was on exactly the same level as Carien’s.  She is 2, he is 5…  Also on Wouter’s birthday Boeta produced a picture of a sheep with the ears, eyes, feet and tail all coloured in the same colour, but different blobs for the different body parts.  Do you understand what I mean?  Either way, this is a major, major, major milestone for him.

** * We are going on holiday.  And we are flying there.  And I haven’t phoned ahead to arrange with an oncology unit to be available for emergency treatment.  We are so wild.

This will be our first proper holiday in almost 6 years.  I think we are due!  We are flying to Johannesburg on Saturday and will spend the whole of next week in the Gauteng area.  The children are so excited about the flying bit.  It will be their first time on an aeroplane and they are simultaneously ecstatic and petrified at the idea.  You know how kids are.  We have been counting the sleeps from Tuesday (4 sleeps) and it has been quite a discovery for Carien that the sleeps get less as the days go on.  Her little 2 year old brain is starting to fold itself around maths.  And subtraction, no less.

** ** Wouter was extremely out of sorts in the days leading up to his birthday.  Turns out he miscalculated and thought he was a year older than he is.  When he discovered that he was younger than he thought he managed to get over himself somewhat and we (I) will only have to put up with his birthday blues in another 11 months’ time.

** ** * The kids and I went to visit Sally and her children.  Rachel and Caleb are roughly the same ages as mine and they had a great time.  Mostly because there was a box of dress-up stuff.  So the kids all wore capes and ran around playing superheroes.  They’ve been nagging ever since for capes of their own, so guess what my next craft project will have to be….

** ** ** My sister is roughly 13 weeks pregnant and I realised that even though I don’t want a baby right now, I am jealous of her.  I’ve decided that it is a mind vs body thing.  My mind isn’t interested but my body is.  Tough cookies to the body though – we will wait a bit longer before adding to our brood.

** ** ** * Lastly the bit I really don’t feel like writing.  A couple of months after we married we got a purebred bullmastiff puppy and named her Frieda.  Through the last 7 years she has been the perfect dog for us – placcid, calm, even-tempered and somewhat obedient.  Depending on whether she liked the order she was being given.  Such a girl!  The last couple of months I noticed that she started getting old, but that is to be expected in a dog with a life expectancy about 9 years.  The last few weeks she started “aging” a lot faster but still got her butt to the bowl of cat food in a hurry whenever she got a chance.  Yesterday afternoon when I got home she didn’t come to the car and I found her lying in the garden, unable to get up.  Wouter took her to the vet and was told that she was riddled with lymphoma.

The vet recommended that she be put to sleep.

For some reason I wasn’t at all surprised when Wouter phoned to tell me that she had cancer.  I remember thinking a while ago (in that fleeting thought kind of way) that she looks like someone with cancer.  Maybe I’ve been spending too much time around the cancer wards.  Strangely Deirdre (Ethan’s mom) also wasn’t surprised to hear the diagnosis.  She saw Frieda about a week ago. 

Rupert, our other dog, misses Frieda so much.  He hasn’t stopped looking for her since last night.  Even the cat is even more than usually off her rocker.  It upsets me a lot when the animals are so lost and I can’t explain to them where their friend has gone.

What are the odds that both our child and our dog would have cancer???

Happy birthday dear Baby

Today is Wouter’s birthday.  He is now 36. 

Happy birthday Babes.  Aside from our children, Lindt chocolate and Coke you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I love you so much.


Rant and rave

What is it with some people?

I wasn’t going to write about this and was on my way to bed already when instead I booted my laptop and now here I am.

I am a staunch supporter of the pharmaceutical industry.  I wouldn’t say I am proud of taking anti-depressants, but I am certainly not ashamed of it.  To be honest, I don’t think about it.  Every evening I pop my pills like many other people take blood pressure / cholesterol / whatever medicine.  It doesn’t cure my problems but it does help me to deal with it.

What got me onto this topic is the way that people assume that, because I go about my things with a smile and a friendly word to strangers, I don’t need ADs.  And maybe I can’t blame them for thinking that I am caught up in the hype of happy pills.  After all, there are very very few people outside of my immediate family who has ever seen me cry.  I don’t do public displays of sadness.  Sadness = vulnerability.  When I leave my house I put on my face *insert motion of putting on a mask* and I laugh and I smile and I chat and I listen and I do everything that is expected of me.  But my face and my heart don’t necessarily show the same thing.  My heart may be breaking but I will do my very best to keep up appearances.  In that way I am the ultimate actress.  The show must go on.

Those same people also seem to think that taking ADs is the easy way out.  That it is an optional extra.  I would like to have those people close when I’m not on ADs.  I have moodswings like you have never seen in your life.  I get angry when we go to visit people because we have to visit them.  I have an uncontrolable urge to laugh when my children hurt themselves.  I want to murder Wouter for asking if I enjoyed my nap.  I don’t like the person I am when I’m like that.  It is such a cliché but seriously, my brain chemicals are out of balance and I need help.  That is just the way I was put together.  I am fabulous in all the other ways that matter but my brain is a bit wonky. 

With all that said, I really wish I could get off ADs.  I have yet to find one that agrees with me 100%.  I’ve tried so many types and every time something goes wrong.  Most of them increase my appetite to unbelievable levels.  I could literally eat the whole day long.  I have to fight the compulsion all the time.  Coupled with a tendency to indulge in emotional eating it is bad news.  Try loosing weight when all you want to do is eat and if you manage not to eat you want to celebrate by eating…  I tried several SSRIs (a type of AD) and they all do this to me.  I tried non-SSRIs that didn’t do the appetite thing but they made me go completely off my head so back to SSRIs it was. 

In the end, it just really gets on my last nerve when people assume they know what goes on in my life based on what they think they know.  I don’t even know what goes on in my life and I am living it.

Family photos

A long, long time ago – I can still remember how that music used to make me smile.  Wait.  That is the song.  So bye bye American Pie, let’s get to the post.

A long time ago (May?) I posted about Woutertjie starting to sprout hair.  And I said that I had to arrange for family photos while he was still bald.  Because our family included a bald little boy for almost a year and a half and we didn’t have a single photo with all of us on it.

My friend Jeanette mentioned this on her blog and the next I knew Ruan Viljoen told us where to be for a shoot.  Me being me I sort of forgot to pick up the CD with the photos until last week – the pictures were taken before Boeta grew hair so the crisis was averted, right?  I am so bad at finishing things off.

Either way, here are some of the photos.  I can’t believe that Boeta was that skinny and hairless a couple of months ago.  And I can’t believe that Carien has matured that much in this short time. 

I love my family so much it hurts.  A good hurt.  🙂

Thank you so much Ruan.  We love the pics!

One wish

If I am ever going to experience a groundhog day, let it not be this one.  I am so tired.  Physically and mentally.  And I can’t really tell you why.  There is nothing to put a finger on.  I am just tired.

And for some reason my hands hurt.  Not my usual thumb problems that I wear the splints for.  That comes and goes.  But today my hands (especially left) hurt between the bones.  I am constantly rubbing the back of my hands “between the bones”, IYKWIM*.

So spare a thought.  I’m not even wallowing in self-pity and you know that I love self-pity.  It is that bad.

*if you know what I mean

How I missed you!

My laptop was virulated in some way and I’ve been cut off from the world outside my own house and neighbourhoor and friends – you know what I mean – for 4 days.  Four whole days.  It was an eternity. 

I even tried to do a blog update from my cellphone but as you might notice it didn’t work that well. 

Now my computer is devirulated and I am back.  I really missed you.