Madness update

Dear friends

Rest assured that my annihilatory tendencies have been explained and toned down.

My psychiatrist spent a lot of time explaining stuff to me.  The previous antidepressants that I used (Cilift = citalopram) has both antidepressant and anti-anxiety properties.  My new meds (Wellbutrin) has even better antidepressant properties but no anti-anxiety effect.  And apparently I have angst-issues.

What I never knew (you may want to write this down – there are very few things I don’t know) is that anxiety manifests as anger / rage / aggression.  As most things in life it boils down to fight or flight.  You have a fright (because a lion is on your case or your boss is on your case), hormones are released (that adrenalin rush), you decide to fight or run away.  Stress also counts as anxiety.  After all, you are scared of losing your job if you don’t perform.  And then of course, doing battle with cancer counts as anxiety.

So here I am.  After 7 years of studying (and stressing) and 9 years of working (and stressing) and a year and a half of cancering (and stressing)  I now suddenly have nothing to fight against.  My body is used to responding to stress and I am awash with stress hormones, but I have nothing to channel it to.  I am stuck with an arsenal of weapons and no enemy.  What a bummer.  And like any well-armed army without an enemy I have started a civil war. 

Strangely enough, once Annette explained to me why I felt the way I feel, I’ve been able to cope with it remarkably well.  If I say so myself.  I still feel the angry monster standing up inside of my but I am able to calm myself.  I take deep breaths, I tell myself to relax and I pointedly shrug off whatever bothered me.  For example, Wouter tried to explain one of their business deals to me.  I got lost 10% into the explanation.  And as Wouter continued to try and explain I could feel my hackles rise.  I could feel my breathing going shallower, my heart rate speeding up and my urge to lash out building.  It is strange to be that in touch with my insides.  But because I could feel it happening and because I knew why it happened I told Wouter that I didn’t understand and that I didn’t want to know any further because it upsets me.  It is the most amazing feeling to feel how everything returns to normal.  It is the ultimate relaxation!  😀

According to the professionals (ie, my psychiatrist) I am an aberation.  She has never had a patient who responded as badly as I did on Wellbutrin.  What can I say.  I am special.  😀

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3 Responses

  1. Maak absoluut sin. Of soos Yoda dit gestel het:
    fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering…

    sterkte ou dier. byt die swarthond.

  2. So glad at least you know what was wrong adn you can cope with it.

  3. “…….What can I say. I am special.”……

    Inderdaad.

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