Watch out.  Today there was a spilling of beans, food, tears, yoghurt and an explosive temper.  Wait – that was yesterday too.  Mmmm.

About 3 weeks ago I told you that my psychiatrist decided to change my anti-depressant script.  On the old medicine I had decreased energy and increased appetite.  I really hoped that the new stuff would sort that out.  So I weaned for 2 weeks off the old meds while I started the new.  And life was great.  Suddenly I had energy, doing household chores was a chore, not a sentence and I felt good.  Then about 3 days ago that started falling apart.  Would you believe that every single person in the world started dancing on my last nerves?

Yesterday I burst into tears after I screamed at the children (in my defence, after they were constantly fighting for an hour).  Then they burst into tears in response which infuriated me even more.  What do they have to cry about anyway? 

Get the picture?

And then today dawned. 

I loaded the children in the car to go to my gym appointment and on the way there I turned around and came home.  I was crying too much to drive, see.  What a wonderful life.  This afternoon I (barely) managed to keep my monthly beauty appointment.  Trust me, it takes a lot of pain for me to look like something.  Halfway through the pain I told Madelein* that I was done with hurting.  So she gave me a back massage in the remaining time. 

I feel a bit more collected now.  But the kids are in bed and Wouter is home and I can take a lot of stuff if Wouter is around.  He keeps me upright.  I think he realised that I need a lot of propping up today – he didn’t spend a single minute playing with his mistresses.** 

I am off to the psychiatrist tomorrow morning.  I need to get better and it has to be soon.  I’ve never felt such intense rage as now.  Its not anger.  It is orders of magnitude beyond that.  It is pure, undiluted, malevolence.  I could do without that.

*I’ve been going to Madelein (Beauty and Body Care in Stellenbosch) since 1995.  That is a long time.  When I walked in today she knew that I wasn’t at my best.  So when I gave up she gave me a massage.  Madelein is a very special woman.)

**His keyboards.  Miss Technics, Miss Yamaha and Miss Korg.


8 Responses

  1. Ai ja friend. And so we start to unravel. People think because its over its easier. In our hearts we know it’ll never be over, not for us. Sterkete!

  2. Drukkies xx

  3. Oh I really hope you feel better soon.

  4. oofff! know how you feel since the black dog visits me all the time. hope you get new feel happy pills and that they kick in real soon.

  5. Liewe Suzanne, jy ken my nie maar ek lees jou blog gereeld! Jy is so insperasie en wat ek die meeste van jou hou, is dat jy dit sê soos dit is – elke dag se dinge!! Ek bid vir jou en glo dat dit net beter en beter sal gaan! Sterkte – jy was deur soveel!! Maar hou aan skryf – dit is wonderlik!!

    Ek dink aan jou…..

  6. Thinking of you!!!

  7. Suzanne, dit is goed en wel om medikasie te neem (die uwe is in jou bootjie in hierdie saak), maar het jy al gedink aan berading (daarmee tesame)? Dis nie óf, óf nie; maar én, én.

    Kopskoonmaak/hartskoonmaak/gemoed ontlaai/balans kry. “Spilling” (begrensd) is tot ons beskikking gestel met ‘n doel.

    Alles bestes.

  8. I understand, Suzanne. I will mail you on facebook x

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