A tough day ahead

It is Thursday evening and I am scared out of my skull.

Carien is going in to get her teeth fixed tomorrow.  And she is getting anaesthetic.  And it is freaking me out.

Remember I told you she fell and broke half of her front tooth off?  The reason it broke that easily is because her 4 top front teeth are in a horrible condition.  Carien, who has never accepted a bottle in her life, has typical bottle baby teeth.  And she got it because

1.  she is still breastfeeding and spends a huge chunk of every night “snacking”

2.  my milk is very rich  (I have been a favourite with the breast milk bank for that exact reason)

3.  I didn’t brush her teeth well enough and often enough.

Number 1 I made peace with.  It is her way of getting enough mommy-time when I spend most of my time in hospital.  When it gets really bad I leave home before she wakes up and get home 30 minutes before she goes to sleep.  It is her comfort thing.  It makes her feel loved and safe and even though I wouldn’t mind if she stopped now, there is no way that I would force her off before Woutertjie’s sickness and hospital stays are firmly in the past.  I am that kind of mother. (rolling eyes at myself)

Number 2 I have no control over.  And when the kids were babies it meant that they grew wonderfully well and gained weight easily.  So I have no right to feel guilty about that.

Number 3 is the problem.  Why didn’t I spend more time brushing her teeth???  I know that we had bigger issues to deal with the past year.  And I know that it is milk teeth and her permanent teeth with appear eventually.  But her teeth are so bad that the dentist promised that she would try and save them, but there is a very big chance that she will pull at least some of the 4 teeth.  I don’t want my baby to walk around with a “passion gap”* for the next 4 years.  Not my little princess. 

And even worse, I am dreading the anaesthesia.  And Wouter just doesn’t seem to get why it upsets me that much.  Granted, he hasn’t been close during any of the anaestetic episodes (I’ve mentioned his unfortunate response to blood, needles and creepy thoughts before) so he has no idea what the emotional impact is.

From his vantage point (and logically) I shouldn’t be stressed.  After all, I helped to put Boeta under close to 30 times.  I bagged him during the time he stopped breathing (a normal occurence) while the anaethetist checked out the rest of him.  I lifted his floppy, lifeless body onto the bed we used to move him to the radiation bunker.  I should be very relaxed.  But none of this is the point.

Carien is my baby.  She is my healthy child.  I can’t handle the thought of seeing her going under or being under.  And I am plagued by what ifs.  This is my baby.

Please say a prayer for our little girl’s safety.  Although, by the time you read this she will probably be done already.  She is going in to theatre at 08:30 tomorrow.  I knew this for a week already but couldn’t bring myself to update about her tooth issues.  You might’ve noticed that I never posted an update on her dentist appointment.  I haven’t felt like such a major failure as parent in a long, long time.

.

*If you don’t know what a passion gap is, you obviously don’t live in the Western Cape.

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7 Responses

  1. Oh girl, I see it is 9:15 now so all should be over by now. I hope it all went well.

    My princess had a huge cavity in her second tooth (from front) in December because I gave her juice to school in a sports bottle! I felt terrible (as you are now) about this. I never blogged about it. The truth is that we need to remind ourselves that we are all just really doing the best we can, right now. And that should be good enough.

    Lots of *hugs*

  2. I agree with Cat. You’re human, you’re in a position I would definately not have been able to cope with, and you’re doing a wonderful job!

    I would love to have seen you get up and brush her teeth after each and every nocturnal snack. Cause that’s the only way you could realisticly prevented this. Seriously Suzanne, think about it.

  3. Hey Suzzanne – Cut yourself some slack – you are doing one hellavu job in extreme circumstances…circumstances that most parents hope never to have to deal with…I am sure that by now, the op is all over ….I am sure it went well, although I fully understand why you were so stressed…It is so much easier to say, don’t let these types of things stress you out then it is to do….Sending lots of love to you and your family – Hope you have a great weekend….

  4. Hi Suzanne, hoop die operasie goed gegaan? Dis nie lekker nie… Willem, my oudste, sy voortande uitgeval toe hy 2 en half was, ek was buite myself van onsteltenis. Maar ek besef nou die dag, hy gaan weird lyk as sy permanente tande gaan uitkom! Mens raak dit so gou gewoond. Sterkte.

  5. Oh my. I felt my own chest tighten with anxiety reading through this. I think you are an exceptionally brave woman.

    I have a request: I have started a website dedicated to celebrating quiet acts of courage and one of your regular readers recommended your story to be included. I think it qualifies a hundred times over – would it be okay with you if I include it? You can either email me a blog posts worth of your journey so far, or I can edit this post for use – I think it exemplifies the valiant heart you have had to bring to bear on your situation, day in, day out.

    If you’d rather not, that’s fine.

    The website is http://www.athousandcheeringstrangers.weebly.com

  6. Hi Suzanne, hoop die operasie het ok gegaan. Hou op skuldig voel, ons as Ma’s doen die beste wat ons kan, selfs die van ons wat nie sulke moeilike omstandighede het soos jy nie! En soos Tania se, mens raak dit gou gewoond! Voor jy jou oe uitvee het sy pragtige, gesonde, permanente tande. Verstaan wel waar jy vandaan kom….. Sterkte

  7. Amen to Megan!

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