Back in hospital

After a wonderful stork party for Stephanie, Gerrit’s receptionist, I got home this afternoon to Wouter playing keyboard, Carien messing around and Woutertjie asleep on the couch.  I called Wouter over and showed him what “sunken eyes” looked like since I only found out during the week what to look for.  Woutertjie was definitely a bit dehydrated but not enough to make me overly worried.  He has been more and less hydrated the whole week and he didn’t look worse than he did yesterday.

I put Carien down for her nap and fell asleep with her.  When we woke up 2 hours later things had changed dramatically.  Wouter’s brother and his family & the four of us were all going to watch the Currie Cup final (rugby) at a Spur (restaurant).  Wouter and Carien went ahead.  When Boeta and I left the house I already knew that we weren’t going to watch rugby…  Japie, Wouter’s brother, is a doctor and as soon as he laid eyes on Boeta I could see that he was worried.  So was I.  Boeta’s eyes were extremely sunken with dark circles around it.  I phoned Cristina who told me to take him in immediately for fluid.  Boeta, Carien and I drove to the hospital and left Wouter to finish watching the rugby.  I can’t see why all of us had to suffer when it wasn’t necessary.  Woutertjie was put on IV fluids immediately and my mom fetched Carien from the hospital.  Wouter joined us later.

Those are the facts. 

Many times in the past 10 months I felt like giving up and lying down and staying down.  Today the only thing that kept me going was …  I don’t know why I kept going.  I don’t know how I kept going.  And honestly, I didn’t really keep going.  I just survived the day.

The only ray of sunshine during the past 2 weeks of daily hospital visits was the thought of spending the weekend at home.  And aside from Monday, the whole of next week too.  Since Woutertjie’s white cell count is normal we were going to do all sorts of nice things.  We were going to visit, we were going to sight-see, we were going to act like we were normal. 

But we aren’t normal. 

You would think that I’ve learned that by now. 

I am so tired of all of this.  I am tired of seeing my child sick.  I am tired of having to act all strong and in control while I want to fall to the floor and never get up again.  I am tired of life passing us by while we are stuck in hospital.

I am just so tired.  I don’t want to do this anymore.  I don’t want to cry outside Boeta’s room to keep him from seeing me.  I don’t want to be pitied by strangers.  I don’t want people staring at my child.  I want to have a normal life.

And I can’t have it.

Because the rest of the weekend Woutertjie will receive fluid to rehydrate him.  And next week he will start with TPN (IV feeding) because he is emaciated.  Then as soon as he is sort of better the chemo will start again.  Another 2 weeks of daily chemo that will have him puking his guts out and loosing the rest of it down the toilet.  His diarrhoea is so bad that it looks like fibre rich orange juice.  When he goes to the loo it sounds like he is urinating even though he isn’t. 

This isn’t what I wanted for my children.  Being sick all the time or being neglected because your sibling is sick isn’t how children are supposed to grow up.

This just isn’t right.

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5 Responses

  1. BIG BIG HUGS Suzanne.
    This too shall pass, and you will have your ‘normal’ time again, I promise.
    Vasbyt and STERKTE my friend!!!
    xx

  2. awwwwwwwwwwwwwww buddy. My heart aches for you. I just want to fly to the other side of the world and hug you and kiss woutertjie better.

    If you think you cant do this then look back over the last 10 months and think of everything you have already been through. I know its tough but its nearly over.

    put a counter on the fridge door of how many more weeks are left. Only a few more and then you are done.

    Woutertjie and Carien are strong – they will be fine. Kids bounce back much quicker than adults. They are coping with this because they think this is normal – they dont know any different. Just imagine how happy they will be next year when this is all over and done with.

    vasbyt my vriendin

    love
    kerrie

  3. Hang in there, u have done so well for so long , the next lil while will go quickly. The worst is over , you in the home stretch now. Best wishes

  4. I just wanted to come and offer you a hug and lots of prayers and thoughts. I want to tell you things will feel more normal again soon. Before you know it you will reach the end of treatment and whilst your life will always be a little different to others, you will do normal things again, your little man will go to school, you will possibly consider a job opportunity again, you will be able to go out more often than you go out now. There will be a time that his body won’t have to deal with chemo and its side-effects. I know that it can feel like a lifetime when you are in the moment. I have never known how slow time can go until we walked the cancer journey. Carien will not be any different to any other little girl – perhaps she’ll grow up having a bit more compassion and understanding than other kids might have. I look at Caitlyn now that Bianca finished her treatment and she is a very typical little 2 year old.

    I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but before you know it things will feel more in control again where you can actually plan things and stick to the plans.

    Hang in there and know you are never alone (even when you might feel terribly alone).

  5. Liewe Suzanne….my hart is nou so seer – vir jou part, vir Boeta, vir Wouter en Carien. En jy weet hoe ek dit nou gaan sê, maar in ‘n manier, weet ek hoe jy voel.

    Ek het gister ook ‘n aaaaaklige dag beleef, waar ek gevoel het ek vat nou my kind en my man en ons klim op ‘n vliegtuig en gaan net “wherever”. Daar waar nie hospitale is nie, nie ‘n kind wat fit nie, nie siekte nie en bowenal nie hartseer en trane nie ! Maar toe besef ek dat daai plek is die hemel….en dit is nog nie my tyd om soontoe te gaan nie.

    Al wat ek kan sê is dat julle baie in my gedagtes is en ek bid vir julle. En ek weet hoe dit voel as mense dit vir jou sê…dit voel asof dit dan nie ‘n verskil maak nie…Maar op die ou einde is dit al waaraan ons kan vashou – God.

    Baie sterkte vir die weke wat voorlê.
    Liefde

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