Oh joy.

I had a panic attack today.  Me.  The no nonsense, deal with things, get over yourself, stop being such a wimp, practical me.  And the only reason I knew what I was,  is that I’ve recently became the proud owner of a psychiatrist.  Not by choice.  I am currently receiving pay outs from my income protection policy and they demanded that I see a psychiatrist.  It isn’t enough that my GP told them that I was a nutcase and wouldn’t be able to cope with family and work – they wanted a specialist opinion.  And what do you know?  The psychiatrist agreed.  I am officially a certified nutcase*.  But then, I am an oncomom.  I can be whatever I want.

Wouter and wouter got home from hospital this afternoon.  I left the whole lot of them (ie Carien too) at home to stock up on everything that we had nothing left of in our house.  Toilet paper.  Nappies.  Milk.  Doritos.  Cat food.  As I was walking through the local Pick&Pay I felt this feeling rushing towards me.  Shortness of breath, nausea, heart palpitations, an overwhelming fealing of dread and fear.  So I had a choice.  I could give in to the feeling or I could try to work through it.  Fortunately for me, Elmarié dP, an old friend and frequent commenter is a psychologist and I think she saw the potential for this long ago.  Right at the beginning of the year she told me to take deep breaths, move slowly and in general try to calm down should I ever feel like this.  Thank you Elmarié.  So I breathed slowly and tried to get a grip.  It took a long time.  I walked aimlessly for about 30 minutes before I felt that I could start looking for things again. 

I always thought things like panic attacks would never happen to me.  But then I thought things like cancer, depression and resigning my dream job** would never happen to me and look at me now.  I also never thought it would linger for so long.  The rest of the day and evening I’ve been … how should I put it?  Delicate?  Fortunately I am married to the best man ever who tried to keep the children happy so that I could have a bit of quiet.  He truly is a special one.

*Wouter’s response?  “I never thought I would be this happy to hear you declared a nutcase.”  Now we just need the insurance to pay so that I can pay some bills.

**I wrote a letter to my boss asking if I could get another year’s unpaid leave.  If not, I will resign.  Please pray for the right decision.


3 Responses

  1. Well done for the intact short/medium term memory about the unsolicited advice!(ha-ha) Seriously, a panic attack is no picnic in the park. The important thing to remember is, it will pass. Continuing to keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

  2. Just sending hugs, because your average day isn’t something I’d wish on my very worst enemy…
    You guys are never far from my thoughts.

  3. aw buddy. wish i was there to help. sounds like you finally cracked – not sure how you hung in there for so long really. i would have lost the plot completely ages ago. me… ice maiden… has turned into a puddle of mush. remember how tats used to cry if she heard sad story about kiddy ? well it has come back to bite me. andrew GAVE me a kiss the other day and i cried ! everytime i read your blog i get a huge lump in my throat (and yes i have cried a few times)

    hang in there. anything you need from this side of the world aside from a virtual hug ? aggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (virtual hug noise)


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