Yes, I am back

Hallo everyone.  I am finally back in the saddle.  It feels quite strange to start blogging again.  I feel clumsy and I can’t get the words and the “feel” of what I try to say right.  That’s what you get for taking 10 days off. 

Can you believe it has been only 10 days?  It feels like forever.  My modem is seriously on its last legs and has been for a while.  I get booted off so often that I decided to give my blood pressure a break until I can get a new modem.  Then life happened and now I still get booted off and I still have to wait a full minute for the Google homepage to load because I still haven’t gotten a new modem.

I’ve started filling in the gaps – during the 10 days that I’ve been off Carien turned 2, Boeta had his Reach for a Dream event, we had chemo and it was just general chaos.

Today I took Boeta for a quick full blood count and then Vincristine (15 minute chemo).  Ha!  Ha!  It just goes to show how naive I still am.  I still haven’t learned to expect the unexpected.

Today, like two weeks ago, Boeta’s Broviac decided to give trouble.  It is once again completely blocked.  Nothing in, nothing out.  Last time it came right on its own – we suspect it has something to do with the positioning of the tube in his jugular.  When it wouldn’t work today I decided to take Boeta for a walk and a run and a jump to see if it would move the line and get it working.  No joy.  In the end I made the executive decision (I am The Oncomom – don’t mess with me) to leave and return tomorrow. 

It was a very hard day on me emotionally.  Woutertjie has his favourite positions to lie in when they work with his “pypie”.  Sitting on my lap with his head lying back on my shoulder or lying on his back with his shoulders slightly raised and his head thrown back are the two winners – they usually work.  He doesn’t like lying on his side with his arms above his head, coughing, sitting up with his arms up and all the other positions.  Today was no different.  He wanted to lie down and that’s it.  He got quite upset about it. 
And then it all changed.  I managed to explain to him that the Broviac wasn’t working and that they had to give him a drip if they couldn’t get it to work.  In a flash he was sitting, lying and posing in all possible positions without complaining once.  He even raised his arms above his head without being asked.  He was doing everything in his power to prevent having to get a drip.  He was so grown-up about it it just broke my heart.  Children shouldn’t know about things like this.

When the only option left was to put a drip in I decided to go home.  How was I going to explain to him that even though he did everything we asked him to do, we were still going to give him an “insteker” (injection)?  I can’t do that.  I can’t and I won’t and it  just . is . not . right. 

Please say a prayer for Boeta.  Tomorrow they are going to try the Broviac again and if it still doesn’t work it will have to be removed.  Then we are back on drips until he can get another one.  I can’t see my child going through the trauma of needles again.  Not for something that can be avoided. 

I’ve been holding him down since the day that this started – for drips, for drawing blood, for booster injections.  And now, 8 months later, I have reached my limit.  I just can’t see him getting hurt anymore. 

But if he should have to get a drip, I will be there.  It is my job.  I am The Oncomom.


5 Responses

  1. Heart breaking, all the biggest “go” thoughts and prayers for a working port for him for tomorrow.

  2. amen

  3. Ons bid al die pad. Lief vir julle!!!!!

  4. Big hugs Suzanne, just keep yourself focussed on the end goal.

    This post absolutely broke my heart, I can’t imagine how it must feel for you 😦


  5. hallo! Daai pypie GAAN oop wees more!! Dink aan jou! **

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