Enough

Tomorrow is a public holiday.  Tuesday I am getting hold of my GP and asking for a substantial increase in the dosage of my anti-depressants.  I am tired.  I’ve had it.  The thought of returning to hospital tomorrow is paralysing. 

Woutertjie had chemo from Monday 27 July until Saturday 1 August.  We were home Sunday and Monday.  Tuesday he was admitted and tomorrow it will be a week.  In other words, up to today we spent 12 days of the last 2 weeks in hospital.  And these were supposed to be our rest weeks.

Boeta had a constant fever of 38ish the whole day, except when he was given medication for it.  And yet he seems OK.  We even went for a walk outside this afternoon.  He wore his mask and was wrapped up in blankets.  He looked like a vanilla cupcake on a wheelchair.  We watched the fish in the pond in front of the hospital, we went to find my car, we went to find it again and again and again and I had to keep explaining to him why we couldn’t just get into it and go home.  This was straight after he had another GCSF injection.  It was the last in a series of 5, thank God.  I can’t see how I would’ve coped with another day of injections. 

Woutertjie is petrified of needles again.  We just got over it and now it is back.  Every now and again during his afternoon nap he pulls himself into a tortoise pose and mumbles “Nie instekers nie!  Nie instekers nie!” and then he sleeps on.  (“No injections!  No injections!”)

I’ve been taking Cristina’s orders to “make normal” seriously again.  Which means that on the outside I am coping fabulously.  I am smiling, I am doing well.  But on the inside things aren’t that rosey.  On the inside I am drained.  I feel wrung out and ripped to shreds and so lonely.

Keeping a 4-year old entertained for days on end in isolation is mind-numbing.  It tires me out and right now I need some time alone.  Quiet time.  With no one wanting anything from me.  Unfortunately that isn’t going to happen any time soon.  When I get home it is Carien’s time to be entertained.  She misses her mommy so much.

I know myself quite well and I know that the downer I get, the less I want to talk, even though I know I need to.  Tonight when I drove home I needed to talk to someone.  But there was no one I wanted to phone.  Not even Wouter.  We’ve been a bit … distant? … the last few days.  I don’t even know if he noticed.  But right now I am super sensitive to any and all (real and imagined) changes in my idea of normality.  And for me, normality includes feeling emotionally close to Wouter.  Right now I don’t.  Probably because we only see each other about 20 minutes per day and then only to change shifts.  I miss my husband.

On the positive side, I know that another couple of milligrams of serotonin re-uptake inhibitors (anti-depressants) will help to even things out.  On the negative side, I don’t really want to up my dosage because it makes me feel too distant.  Catch-22.

What I can tell you is that you shouldn’t mix pre-existing depression tendencies with cancer.  It just doesn’t gel.  And the resulting concoction taints everything it touches.

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4 Responses

  1. Big big hugs. This cancer journey is so incredibly exhausting and often so incredibly lonely. Even though I am far away, remember I am right there with you and if ever you want to “chat” you know where to find me.

  2. I know how you feel. I have been off work for a year now entertaining my now 3 year old! He was diagnosed with leukemia. Sometimes i feel just like you do but know that the Lord our God is our STRENGTH. Keep your eyes on him and he will rescue you. What keeps me going is the thought that this is not how it is going to be forever. It is a mere season in our lives that we are called to go through. Chin up.

  3. Oh Suzanne, thinking of you.
    This is such a horrible horrible time for you, but it will end.
    x

  4. Just sending warm thoughts and hugs for the times when the rollercoaster seems to be doing all downhills and no ups!

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