OK, we are not so good.

I am not doing well at the moment. I am way more tired than I should be based on what I do and how many hours sleep I get. But then I don’t sleep well because Carien keeps me awake most of the night (she sleeps with us from when she first wakes up at night, about midnight-ish). She is still breastfeeding and helps herself throughout the night. Whenever I tell someone about this I get the “well, just wean her” comments or looks. And this is exactly the problem. She didn’t sleep as badly and drink as often before this rollercoaster started.  She does it because she feels insecure.  So who am I to withhold her security from her?  In other words, please don’t comment along the lines of weaning, sleep training, etc.  I’m not the kind of mom that can stand back and let my children cry because it would be more convenient for me to change their lives.  That’s just who I am.

But I am struggling.  And it doesn’t help that Wouter is swamped at work.  He leaves home before we wake up and returns at 20:00.  And for someone who isn’t used to spending the whole day everyday in the exclusive company of children (that would be me, by the way) it is tough.  By 17:00 I am itchy.  By 18:00 I am on the verge of exploding.  And since I know that it isn’t my children’s fault, the self-control I need to not take my frustration out on them is very draining.  I can understand why Wouter isn’t very impressed when he walks through the door and I dump them both on him.  I realise that he’s had a hectic day as well.  But this is where the little devil on my shoulder whispers: yes, but he is doing something he loves; he is in the company of adults; he gets some mental stimulation.  I really miss adult conversation.  I miss doing something mentally challenging.  I miss being good at something.  Because I feel like a crappy house wife and mom.

Let me quickly interrupt myself here:  I don’t have a problem with Wouter working long hours.  I know that we as family are first on his list of priorities and I know that if he needed to, he would drop everything and get his butt home.  I know that he can work late without worries because he knows I will take good care of the children while he does.  And I think he knows that I feel this way.  Both of us on edge doesn’t lead to deep, meaningful conversations though.  We are so grateful when we manage to get to the everyday conversations (will you buy electricity? / remember that we are in hospital 5 days next week and 5 days the following week! / the hospital phoned with Boeta’s counts / Carien is sick and we need to keep them apart) that we neglect the rest.  And we both know that we shouldn’t, we are just to plain exhausted to do it.

Anyway.  Enough of this.

Boeta went for a full blood count today because he is very pale and tired.  His Hb is now at an all time low of 6.5 while his platelets improved slightly to 102.  His white cells showed a 400% increase!  It is now 0.4 … !  So we are still in isolation and I will continue being frustrated as hell.  I am not cut out for the stay-at-home-mom thing.

Carien amazes me everyday with her talking.  Boeta talked a lot at 18 months but we couldn’t understand a word.  He said some words clearly and babbled whole conversations to himself.  Carien on the other hand never babbles.  She constructed her first 2 word sentence last week:  Mamma toe (to mommy).  But she has a 1 word vocabulary that is amazing.  And she says every word perfectly.  Well, mostly perfectly.  My favourite incorrect word is her favourite food, mielies (corn on the cob) that she calls mimi.   She is shockingly understandable.  I know exactly what she wants because her few words, hand gestures and body language speak volumes.  She, like the mimi, is edible! 

Very early on Wednesday morning I have to take Boeta for another full blood count.  Following that he will most likely receive a blood transfusion during the day.  It seems unlikely that the surgery will happen this week because of his low counts – you can’t really cut someone open that has no immunity to make sure said cut doesn’t get infected.  And according to the lady from the radiation department they will irradiated based on the surgery results so maybe the radiation will also be put off.

I wouldn’t mind if next week is simply chemo.  I don’t have the energy for complicated things.

7 Responses

  1. (((HUGS)))

  2. Strongs girl! Klink my jy het TATS time nodig – lekker lag, nonsense praat en tyd weg van jou kiddiwinks! Van alle mense weet jy ek is ook so – ek is baie trots op jou dat jy eers 17h00 itchy raak – ek staan baie dae sommer itchy op!

    Lovies jou – pas jouself op!

  3. Hey jy, jy is ‘n goeie huisvrou en stay-at-home-mom!! Ek stem saam met TATS – dis ‘n wonderwerk dat jy eers 17h00 itchy raak – ek raak al teen 13h00 itchy en dan moet Eugene en Nosisa ook maar net inspring. Moenie dink jy is al een nie…ek is ook so: baie lief vir my kleinding, maar kan net soveel ure alleen by hom deurbring.
    Dink aan jou en jy weet jy kan net bel en ek sal kom uithelp…

  4. I used to hate what my life became. It felt as if I lost all purpose in life, but things do settle into a routine. I actually don’t feel so bad anymore staying at home. I’m still not a very good housewife, but I do enjoy spending time with my kids (although it can get quite tiring too), but when I started temping this month (for this month only) I couldn’t believe how much I missed it.

    Know that I think of you and know that I keep you in my prayers!!!

  5. JOOIT! jy moet gil as jy my nodig het! xxx

  6. Suzanne, sterkte!
    Ek voel baie dae soos jy nou beskryf het en my kind is nie eers besig om van ‘n terminale siekte te herstel nie!!!
    Jy doen great! Hanteer elke uitdaging so goed.
    Dalk moet jou Ma die naweek net so ‘n uur of 5 na die liefies kyk, sodat jy en Wouter jul sanity terug kan kry…
    Julle nog steeds in ons gedagtes en gebede!

  7. Hey vrou, jy het nie ‘n maklike taak op die oomblik nie. En ek kan myself goed indink dat enige ma, ook maar een of ander tyd knorrig raak. En jy behoort al ‘n medalje te kry, want jy doen so goed.

    Onthou, ek is net ‘n oproep ver, al is dit net om gou te gaan koffie drink vinnig erens.




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