About today

Today I had to convince my son to go for an injection.  The same type that he had yesterday and has to get tomorrow.  Yesterday he was more willing than today.  I am dreading tomorrow.

He knows that the numbing patches I put on his leg beforehand signals imminent pain.  Less pain because of the patches but pain nevertheless.  According to the doctors the bone marrow boosting medicine (GCSF) burns like … like … like something that burns a lot.

And to top it all off we have to go to hospital a second time tomorrow afternoon to see the oncologist who will decide if he needs a 4th injection based on the full blood count that will be done the morning.  So then I have to deal with a petrified toddler who will not believe that there are no injections involved this time.

I am so tired.  And because we are in isolation I can’t take the kids to my parents and have a rest.  He may not go anywhere and any outsiders have to be masked when they are in the same room as Boeta.  Have you ever spent a lot of time in a mask?  It is hot and uncomfortable and irritating and makes people without claustrophobia claustrophobic.  I don’t have to wear it (because I’m the mommy – my germs are special) and I can’t expect my mom to come to our house with a mask in this heat.  For those in other parts, Cape Town is in the middle of a heat wave.  It was 36 degrees yesterday and above 40 today.

And to be honest I don’t think resting or sleeping will make me feel better.  I am tired of the situation.  I am tired of being a regular in hospital.  I am tired of having to explain to Boeta why he has to be hurt.  I am tired of Carientjie being exceptionally clingy after I spent days in hospital with Boeta.  I totally get why she is clingy but I feel sucked dry of energy and then I feel guilty because I neglect her. 

Wouter and I have 5 minute chats in the morning, maybe 5 minutes on the phone during the day (in 30 second installments – he rarely has time during the day to talk) and if we are lucky 15 minutes at night before we both fall asleep.  I have to add that we are not, I repeat, not having relationship problems.  So don’t worry about that! 

I just really miss having time with him, not always talking but simply spending time together.

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8 Responses

  1. I remember that feeling. Where I had to choose between my sick child and my other kids having clean schoolclothes. I hated to choose like that.
    With hindsight, we always see everything with 20/20 vision so I don’t expect you to “get” what I am about to say…
    The truth is, you DO get used to it to the point where it is your normal. It is ok we all get tired of routine and this is becoming routine.
    I remember distinctly when I lived with my son in one of the many hospitals we frequented for 5 full weeks. I even had an ironing board set up and my own kettle and coffee. I LIVED in that hospital and my new friends were people clinging to life. Oddly enough, it was them who pulled me through – no-one else. They NEVER lost hope, it rubbed off on me and I happily became a resident in a hospital without being sick. My other children took turns staying over with me.
    You may get tired, it’s human, but don’t loose hope that everything will turn out fine.
    Good luck with yet another HOT HOT day for us tomorrow.

  2. Ek dink baie aan julle en julle is in my gebede ! Dit is nie altyd maklik om sterk te staan nie .

  3. Hi Zani, ai poepies, dis niks lekker nie. Jy moet tog asseblief se as ek iets kan doen! Daardie babysitting vouchers is nie verniet include in die V-day pakkie nie! Gebruik dit!!! Ek mis my (jou) kiddies BAIE BAIE BAIE!!! XXXXX

  4. I so know what you are saying. Have totally been there where I was just so tired of it all – still get the odd day like that, but I do want to say things do settle down into a more “normal” routine at some point and you’ll get there too!

    Hugs, thoughts and prayers!!!!

  5. Hallo!
    Sterkte. Dink jy is seker fisies en emosioneel gedreineer.
    Dink en BID nog baie vir julle. Saam met God is alles moontlik, gryp Sy hand vas!
    Probeer die hitte oorleef en baie sterkte met Wouter se eina inspuitings.My hart bloei vir jou.
    kb

  6. Biggest hugs Suzanne. No one can blame you for just remembering the normality of life ‘before’ – it must be so hard to look back, and then see the road ahead.

    Biggest hugs – we’re still with you every day and hoping and PRAYING that soon soon soon your life will be happy, relaxed and maybe even a bit uneventful again 🙂

    xx

  7. Ai vrou, ek sit in trane. Ek kan myself nie eers indink hoe jy moet voel nie. Jy moet wonderwoman wees, maar ai, dis so blerrie moeilik om elke oggend daai costume aan te trek!

    Sterkte jy!!!!

  8. Ek het nie vir jou woorde nie Suzanne. Weet net daar kom strome positiewe energie na julle toe soos wat elke hittegloed ons omvou.

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