How I’m really doing

I am a drama queen.  There, I said it. 

I never thought I would turn out to be a DQ.  I’ve always been the steady, calm type.  I hate upheavals in my life.  If I had my way tomorrow would be like today and yesterday and next year and so forth.  I know this sounds terribly boring but there is a reason for my change-o-phobia.

My dad worked for ABSA (a banking group) and was transferred to various branches.  When you are 6 years old (or 10 or 14) you don’t have much say in whether your whole life is going to change or not.  You go where your family goes.  I was in 6 schools in 12 years.  Twice I was in a school for only 1 year before we moved again.  So I think I had enough change in my life to last me a lifetime.

Since I got married and have a job and family of my own I’ve managed to keep unwanted change to a minimum.  Everything is nice and even.  Wouter isn’t much into change either (he has a similar history).  When we feel really wild we may move the couches a bit to the left.  About a year ago we even moved the dining room table.  Afterwards we both had to have a lie down to recover from the excitement.

See, we don’t like it when change is forced down on us.  If we want some excitement we will make it for ourselves.  Wouter goes out mountain biking and jumps things he shouldn’t and come home bruised, battered and smiling from ear to ear.  I do the Drama Queen thing.  It works for me.  It means that I can divorce my emotions from my actions.  Emotions are floating sedately in the harbour while Actions take a ride on the rapids.  Emotions remain unchanged while Actions are acting up.

On the surface I overact and wave my arms and queen around, always smiling, always happy and always with something to say.  Many of my friends (actually, most of them) have no idea what to do when I let the image slip.  But occasionally I do let it slip.  And today is going to be one of those days.  I expect to receive a lot of concerned calls following this post.

What most people don’t understand is that I’m not what I act.  Underneath I’m not always smiling and happy but I don’t like showing it.  And today I don’t feel happy and smily and I don’t feel like hiding it.  This doesn’t mean that I feel bad.  It means that I am tired and I don’t really feel anything.  I am tired and I don’t have the energy to pretend otherwise.  I am tired and I just want to be left alone for a while.

Just a bit.

Until I get my act together again.

All the world’s a stage and soon I’ll be ready to take to it again.


8 Responses

  1. Hugs, and I hope you feel like smiling again soon!

  2. Dink baie aan julle. Hoop julle het ‘n lekker rustige naweek by die huis.

  3. Sjoe, ek was op dit punt om te bel oor die stilte. Bly jy het dit gebreek, en bly jy se hoe jy rerig voel. Dis moeilik, maar nodig, en ek dink hierdie blog is ‘n wonderlike manier om dit te doen. Dis soveel moeiliker om vir die mense wat jy sien voor jou te vertel hoe jy voel. Papier – en deesdae rekenaarskerms – veroordeel nie, vra nie stupid vra nie en praat nie terug nie.

    Twee goed wat ek wel by jou wil weet is of jy tans nog werk en waar ek vir jou kan e-mail.

    Groete vriendin. As dit kan wil ek graag end April – begin Mei by julle ‘n draai kom maak. Maar net as jy kans sien vir my bakkies.


  4. Ai Suzanne, jy is ook maar net ‘n mens. ‘n Ma, ‘n vrou moet altyd sterk wees, maar tog ook nie.

    Ek sit nou hier, huil snot en trane. Al wat ek kan se is sterkte, en dit is tog so min. So maklik om te se, maar ook beteken dit partykeer iets.


  5. Sterkte – dink baie aan jou !!!! Ek hoop jy voel more beter.

  6. Your energy constantly amazes me, but not only is it human to need the occasional rest – but it’s healthy too.

    Big hugs to you, you’re still in my thoughts all the time!!!


  7. I did think when i met you that you were really putting on such a brave face. Your strength is admirable, but give yourself a chance to be sad/mad/tired whatever too. Emotion must come out, they can be frightening but they are real and God gave them to us for a reason and having them does not change your trust and reliance on Him, maybe it just focuses it more on Him actually.

  8. Its okay to feel that way.. You need to release all the pent up emotions..

    You are in our thoughts and prayers daily.

    Have a good one!

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